Returning to the Past

He was mad at me. he wanted more of me than I could give him. but I told him ahead of time. I told him I couldn't give him much. I told him I couldn't give him as much of me as he wanted and deserved. he is a great person with a golden heart, but he as well has many lessons to learn. although his maturity, for his absurd reaction I can tell he as a flaw in his heart he needs to work on. probably sour spot in his soul that has been played on too many times. suddenly someone comes along and reminds him of the treatment he used to tolerate, pushing on that sour spot and he react to maybe a slight nudge as if you are the person who created to bruise in his soul. I know this story better than anyone. I have many bruises in my soul that I deal with till this day. Day to day I'm trying to work on them but these or the kind of thing that follow you throw your whole life. healing them is a lifelong journey. 

I do understand his absurd reaction. I lived it I have been there when someone pushed on your scares. I understand, and as much as I do, understanding and healing his hurts are his journey not mine. which is why I will not be his punching bag while he learns his lessons. 

as I was lying in bed awake at 3 am sorting the situation between us in my brain. out of nowhere I started thinking about Leshem. how amazing I felt when I was with him. how I loved the way he touched my skin. although I ended our short spark for moral reasons, I a few months later I suddenly know I wanted it back. the rush I got when I was laying in his bed by him.

I was quite to action. the next day I texted him. I asked if I could crash at his apartment that was by the lake. he lived there while he was going to college. when I drove the next day to his kibbutz to pick up the keys to his apartment, I saw him there. in the flesh. I missed his friendly face. he is a person I trust unconditionally. which is why I wanted him in my life so bad. trust was a tough spot for me. and after what Yuval pulled on me the other night, I suddenly thought of him because he give me a source of trust I couldn't find anywhere else. I trust him more than I trust some of my family members. maybe a tough pill but it's the truth. 

"Hey", "hey" as we started talking his dog ran out and rubbed agenst my leg. Soli was the dog's name. a name very similar to mine. I always claim he named the dog after me, but he always denies it. He says " I named her before I knew you" yeah yeah we all know the truth.

he was very warm and kind. "Here are the key have fun" he said. 

"Hey Leshem" I said. as I stared talking, I could tell he already know what I was saying. like the opening of the sentence conveyed the whole message. I didn't feel a need to finish it, but I did anyways. " I was wondering if you maybe wanted to try the whole dating thing" he already know it was coming." I'll think about it" he said.