Am I Enough in order to be Loved?

 

 ~ art by Ramya sadasivam

I'm not sure who I am right now. I am at a loss for words. yesterday I couldn't stand to exist at a certain space. it caused me immense pain. today I am ok where I stand. I drowned myself in technology. so now I'm nothingness, but not the painful kind just the kind where you are meaningless, purposeless. insignificant. ok now maybe I'm just pulling out fancy words. I work so hard to tell myself I'm enough that my body is ok but then I see these thin pretty women on tv who are loved, and I just want to be like that thin so I can also be loved, be admired, be "the only girl in the world" I want a man like that to come into my life. but I think if I look like this how is he gonna see me as the only girl. how would I be enough as the only girl if I'm not the most special in the room. if I'm not so skinny, don't have the perfect body if I'm not that smart. if my face is all round if I don't work out so much, I don't play an instrument and I don't have " a thing" what will he see in me and only me when there are plenty of women in the room who have all of what I have just in some much better and have even more. I'm 18 and I have never really dated anyone in my life. I know this is not abnormal but still I feel like I am missing out on the whole being young is the best part of your life. I missed being social in all its forms. I'm 18, finishing high school in 2 months and I still don't have a single friend to call who will show up. not one. I am lonely in this world. I don't have one reliable person who isn't connected by blood. am I pushing people away? everyone seems to collect friends so easily. they meet and that's it, they become friendly than over little time friends. I seem to be dropping friends off in all direction. if they don't match my standers they are out as easily as they came in. maybe not even out by choose. if I don't really click with someone within a bit, we just slowly lose touch and stop talking. other people seem to just be fine with others.

maybe my standers are too high. and yet I sit here with not one person I can call who will show up. and even with my high standers the people I do have in my life don't give quality relationships or seem to put effort into our relationship. they are sort of there but not really. I seem to be just losing friendships left and right. why? do I push them away? is Yuval the example of how I push people away. the people that I want to let in that seem to share that desire in the same way. I do know that I don't want to be lonely anymore. I don't want to push people away. I want to love, and I want to be loved. I want to open my heart. I want to be accepted. I want to feel like I belong. a feeling that I struggle with. I want to have people in my life that are a phone call away. that I know from proven experience that they will be there when I will call. and I know they will be there as they were there last time and the time before that. I want to have people in my life who know I will flip the world to be there for them because I know they will do the same for me without hesitation. I want to let people in.

 

for years I've been crying about it" they are not there, they are not there" and yet the next time they still won't there. and I've learned that next time I will need them they won't be there. I know for a fact they worn be there from previous experiences. because every time without fail when I called for help without fail, they weren't there. I know for a fact if I pick up the phone, they will not come throw. unemotionally not out of sadness or anger just out of the pure face of the situation. that's just how it is. they are great people, not fake friends. just people who do not invest in their relationship with me. or maybe in any.